The Lighter Side!

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The Lighter Side!

Postby John B » Thu May 24, 2012 1:00 pm

Firstly, on a personal note, I'd like to thank all those of you who have been checking on my progress since the end of the season and to all those who have bought copies of my book. Sales of it are still ticking over nicely but there are still plenty of copies left! All proceeds to charity as well and one of the beneficiaries will be Derian House. Perhaps when the car boot is next on some kind soul would like to take a few copies along to raise a few pennies...

Having been suffering from a chest infection for the first couple of weeks in May, the start of my latest treatment had to be postponed but part one took place on Tuesday. No scary moments yet, but I've quite a few more doses to go through these next few months, so keep using them prayer mats and see if I can be fit for the start of next season!

Now for the lighter side! Anyone who has been familiar with the column I used to write for the programme under that title may recall that it used to rely quite heavily on the use of puns for effect. Regular users of the Forum may also recall that a misunderstanding occurred towards the end of last season between some of the contributors and my old friend jaykay as his pretence at being a grumpy old man (which he is anything but!) was mistakenly interpreted as his real persona. Combining these two facts, here is a copy of an email which he sent me which proves he ain't a miserable old bugger at all but one who clearly shares a love of word-based humour with all like-minded individuals - see what you think:-


1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years
of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of
the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.
"Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star,
makes no difference who you are."


2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed
in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.


3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted,
"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded,
"Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."


4. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin
strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew,
and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the
medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief
shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."


5. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and
found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted
on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely
saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."


6. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept
on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three
became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who
slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove
that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws
of the other two hides.


7. A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies
with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a
particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the
anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye
and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

Whoops, just realised I've put it in the 'Football chat" section, think I might be starting to lose it (whatever IT was!)!
John B
Posts: 296
Joined: Sun Aug 13, 2006 5:55 pm
Location: Bamber Bridge

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